SELF: Day Eighteen

This weekend has been low-key. The lowest of the keys. I've stayed in, watched movies, and eaten really healthy food. I'm feeling so run down still though...I think I need some Sunday night trip planning! Whoot Whoot.

Here was an inner thought I had today...

I was standing in my kitchen, looking out onto the street where I live, when a strange thought crossed my mind. I realized that everything I was doing at this exact moment: marking papers, stressing out about getting everything done that “needs to be done this weekend”, wondering about my students…I started to wonder if at this time next year any of it would matter. There is so much living that we do when we live abroad: shopping, cleaning, cooking, changing, working…all these fundamental-for-regular-life things that seem to matter at the time, since NOT doing them would mean NOT living a regular life. But will any of it matter in a short period of time?

Then I started to wonder if my life was a sequence of events that wouldn’t matter in a year’s time. Is this normal? Is this okay? Is this how I’m supposed to feel? Because I know a lot of people who do things on the daily that actually do matter in a year. And though there are instances where that’s happened (and I know that a culmination of these small events usually do mean big changes happen), most of the instances in my life have had inconsequential…consequences.

I’m not questioning if I matter, because that hardly matters. I’m just wondering if the things I do make any difference at all, momentarily speaking. And is it okay if they don’t? And is it okay that I still take them really seriously even if they don’t matter?

Yesterday I picked up kefir from the health food store, because The Mother Hen told me that THIS particular blend of probiotic is best. I was a week late getting there and though I knew I’d have to down that kefir far too quickly for my own taste, I still went and picked it up. Why? So the health food store-owner wouldn’t be out £4.50. Yup. This is what I think about. These are the inconsequential moments that won’t matter.

But here is the neat part: they’ll matter to me. And I guess that’s what matters. I won’t remember the Sundays I sat on the floor marking papers, but perhaps I’ll remember the clever answers the kids gave and the smiles on their faces when I returned their marked work. Maybe. Then again, maybe none of it will matter in a year.

A year is a long time.

So there you have it...I'm feeling a bit off. I'm sure that now that the children have grown a bit more accustomed to the warmer weather, they'll stop being so ass-y and start being more human-like, so I can start enjoying my job again. Until then, however, I'm planning outfits for the Germany trip.

Image courtesy of wit + delight

Yippee. I'll tell ya what...tonight I'll take some pictures with the Adult Camera and post them. That way, you can see all the planning magic for yourself (and I can document what planning a trip in a group of four completely opinionated, perhaps un-wavering friends looks like).

Also, when you hear talk of an ex getting married (not just happy, but actually married), how do you feel?

Relieved?
Elated?
Like someone just punched you in the gut?
Saddened beyond all recognition? Nothing?

I wonder...