"Functioning"

In the spirit of all things I want in my life,

and most things that my last relationship wasn't

(except for the hugs...we did do hugs.

We did love too, hence my difficulty now),

here's what I do in my house and what I will do in all my future houses.

We do grace...I wish we all did. Read on...

I hear the Ghost of Relationship Past isn't doing so well in his fabulous new life. This devastates me. I wrote a reactive post in haste, wrote with emotion, forgot for a moment that this isn't entirely private, so I need to filter my thoughts somewhat. So I deleted some of this post. It hit too close to home, uttered too many words used to describe someone I never thought you'd turn into, so I had to erase it.

There you go, Ghost. That's what I think of you and of your choices. It's what your friends think of you too, but will never tell you: you're functioning alright. But that's about it.

All I have ever wished for the Ghost was health and happiness, both publicly and very, very privately. I prayed sometimes until I forgot what I wanted in life just so the universe would bestow on him all that I thought he deserved: a life full of joy and devoid of illness. But the sun came up again...and he chose that life.

I will never, ever forget the life my friends have created for me. This is a life full of laughter and of both expected and unexpected joy. It is a life so full of promise that if, for some reason, unrest does fall upon us, support is so quickly offered and solutions so rapidly presented, that all is forgotten soon enough, and life moves on. We reach, we strive, we attempt. Then more often than not, we succeed.

Oh Ghost, I wish you would join the ranks of humans who put aside things that bring them concern and fill your life with things that bring security. But oh no, you forever chase the dream, that ridiculous ideal that you think 4 am brings...keep striving Champion. I wish you only the best every single day of my life. May you be surrounded by those who want you to be better, not plateaued; successful, not washed up; clean, not...unclean.

My dreams are just dreams, Ghost. If they don't come true, the goal is to find a new dream. Italy is a dream...a beautiful dream that many are counting on...but it's just a dream. You were a reality, Ghost. If you don't come true, I don't come true. I always felt responsible for you; I think I always will, even though you were damaged goods when I got you. I have always, I think will always want to save you from yourself...but I never could. I wish I could fix this. Fix you. Fix the broken part of me that is still left here. Alas, I've finally relinquished control. The rest is up to you.

Later...


Laura just woke me up from this delusion. She reminded me what the lady at the courthouse said: "YOU give him this, and then YOU walk away." I remember that lady's face: that kind, almost loving face with those concerned but stern eyes. She informed me that I now have one job: to walk away. Wow.

"Your part is done now," she had said. Amazing women come into my life all the time. I never know why until I need to. My part is done now.

Thank you, friend. Thanks for the reminder.