Thoughts from a Cafe

Elizabeth Gilbert describes, "a sea of regret" and though I've been forceful about never having even ONE regret in life, it's high time I start getting real. I think I have to be more honest and admit that yes in fact, there were moments of sheer regret. At least one, anyway.

That time at that studio party when everything became illuminated for me. All of a sudden I understood a world I had never known before. He was different: he was human and he was erroneous. He didn't mean for me to see any of it...ever. And it was devastating.

I feel so bad for my past self, sometimes I can barely conger up her image without crying. I understand why I did what I did though...in retrospect.

I have always gotten through things (we always do, don't we?) but marvel sometimes at how little faith I had in my being okay.

If I had left that party that night, hailed a cab, and gotten home, explained to my mother what had happened, I would have been okay. I would have been forbidden to see the Ghost again, but I would have been alright. Why didn't I think it would be okay?

With all this said, sometimes I wonder about forgiveness. When will I forgive myself for not having enough faith?

Then again, when will I realize
that even if I had walked out
at that EXACT, crucial moment,
when the Ghost was suddenly not
the man I needed him to be,
things...everything...
may have turned out EXACTLY the same?