Tenderness and Rot by Betty Clark...http://www.bettyclarkpainter.com/
I've often thought that given that we have a thousand choices available to us at almost every moment, isn't it remarkable that we choose the way we do? Hindsight easily reminds us of the mistakes while foresight is unforgivingly blind to the inevitably unpleasent future.
Why is it that we opt for the things we do? Do we look ahead, like I'm prone to do, and imagine what life will be like down the road once this choice is made? I once said, "I chose you because of the man I hoped you'd become." Ouch. Or do we, sigh, live for the moment and make decisions based on how good they make us feel? This latter reason has very little to do with logic: basing decisions based on how good or how right they are right now usually means they don't work in ten months from now.
If given the choice, would you go back? Would you change all those choices you made? Do you regret that time? That moment?
For me, there are some snapshots I wish I could do over. There are specific moments that I can identify as the birthplace of my anger or my sadness. I wish I could redo those exact moments. Then, I think, I'd be able to avoid all those horrible emotions. I guess you could argue though that without all those unpleasent moments, I wouldn't fully appreciate the wonderful moments that flank them. Perhaps.
Personally speaking, I don't regret a thing. I did it, all of it, made all those choices, because it felt so right, I did it because I thought it would create a great life in the future. Why him? Why teacher's college? Why Korea? I guess the answer is the same for every single question that haunts me at times: "Why not?"
This is an entirely unlikely quote from "Savior" by Rise Against. It reminds me that we're lucky to have everything we do, even the terrible memories. If those people meant something to us, surely we must mean something to someone.
"...as the telling signs of age rain down
a single tear is dropping
through the valleys of an aging face
that this world has forgotten..."
I can't forget you, no matter how hard I try. I hope you can say the same.
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